Stop carrying around water

Remember when I told you guys to stop eating ass and jizzing in Filipinas? Well this is a way more important message. You have to stop carrying around huge jugs of water. It is not funny and it is not fun. And the practice must be ended immediately.

What am I talking about? Tourist traipsing around Asia with giant bottles of water in their hands. I’m not talking about regular water bottles from 7 Eleven either. I’m talking about big oversized jugs with plastic handles on them. They are 2 cents cheaper per thousand gallon of water. So weirdos walk around with them for days.

If I see one more long haired fuck stick in elephant pants in Thailand carrying a gallon of water in the middle of a city I am going to scream. Then I am going to forget everything I said in the past and move back to America. Sure I might get killed over there. Or squished to death by a fat chick. But at least my eyes won’t be subjected to this crime against humanity.

Water, water, everywhere!

I know some people like to pretend you they on a far off safari when they’re walking past the gate in central Chiang Mai city. Why else would they wear short shorts and go days without showering? But here’s the thing: it’s a fucking city! There are convenience stores all over, on almost every corner. You can get a bottle of water for 10 Baht at any time. Then you can drink it and move on with your fucking life.

The same goes everywhere. Pattaya, Bangkok, Hat Yai. Even way out in the middle of Udon Whateverthefuck you can always pick up a bottle of water on the cheap. This is not the middle of the Sahara Desert. It’s a country with plenty of cheap water.

What about Cambodia? Whether you are in Phnom Penh or the smallest village you will find people all over the streets with big orange coolers. Guess what? Those coolers are filled to the brim with bottled water. Again, cheap and plentiful.

Vietnam, the Philippines, Laos, heck even Myanmar have people selling delicious, cold, drinkable water all over the place. Humans need water to survive. So if you see humans, you can bet there is some mother fucking water around!

And don’t even get me started on advanced countries like South Korea or Japan. They have convenience stores on top of convenience stores that are next to convenience stores. And guess what’s across the street from those? You betcha: more convenience stores! Lawson, 7Eleven, Family Mart, Circle K, Daily Yamazaki… the list of konbini goes on and on!

Why does it matter?

Now I already know what you are thinking. How is it that I can put up with the horrors of life in the third world but get so worked up over some rat whiskered white guys lugging around lots of water? Why not just light up a doobie, lay back, and live and let live?

Fuck that! Things have been getting worse for western dudes in Asia for years. Part of it is due to all the dysfunction back home and the way our governments piss everyone off around the world. But another part of it is caused by asshats in pajama pants and flip flops who fuck things up for everyone. I knew shit was going down hill when I got rejected from my favorite pink salon. And I was right.

Tourism is hugely important to Thailand’s economy. So you might think Thai people would love us. Well guess what? Thais commonly refer to western people as “farang kii nook”. Know what that means? Bird shit westerners. And know why they use this term? Because of unwashed cheap charlie weirdos who are hard to get rid of. You know, just like bird shit. Ever try to scrape some off your car on a hot summer day? It’s nothing like getting a white dude with dreadlocks out of your town.

Life lessons from liquid

There’s one thing I’ve learned about living. It’s ain’t where you’re from. It’s where you’re at. The best practice is to take care of yourself, be a human being, and do the best you can do in your situation. People from poor broke down countries don’t want to watch western people from rich countries haggle over the price of bananas that they’ll take back to their 5 dollar shared hostel room with no air conditioner. And people from developed rich countries don’t want to watch western people from crumbling societies bring all of their bad practices in either. When in Rome do as the Romans. When in Bangkok do as the cock bangers.

Don’t look at me like I’m crazy either. There are years of historical record to back me up. Ever hear of the phrase “carrying water” for someone? It’s derogatory. Same thing with being a “water boy,” which is the lowest position on the team. Ever heard of Gunga Din? How about Deuteronomy 29:11? Where do you think all this stuff comes from? All of humanity looks down at lugging around the wet stuff.

Do you want to stick out like a sore thumb? Look like an obvious tourist? Get cheated and ripped off and approached by every conman around? Then make sure you are lugging a 2 liter of water with you. If you want to be treated like a regular person then just act like one.

Take my word for it. You are never more than minutes away from a source of cheap, clean water in Asia. Accept the fact and use it to your advantage. When you are thirsty, reach into your wallet, grab fifty cents, and get your self a nice cold bottle of water. Then drink it, and throw the bottle in the garbage can. And stop carrying around huge fucking jugs of water!

Thank you.